lust → self-love, devotion and discipline.
ode to my self love, spiritual and improvement journey.
I lay in my warm blankets — 08:05. My comfort zone. I said I’d workout before seven. I’ll try again tomorrow. I answer my text messages, read a little substack article, hop on tiktok and, click on favourites to “remember my goals”. Summer yacht parties, beautiful fit bodies in swimsuits, the girl I’m parasocially obsessed with because she is everything I want to be; tatted, calm, fit, confident, hair always done, successful and private career, traveller.
Exit tiktok, go to twitter, read naughty tweets, commit a sexual immoral sin, orgasm, hop off the bed, wash my hands, take a shit, roll a joint, watch a comedy, listen to vulgar music and maladaptively daydream, after I get out of the daydream trance call a uber to meet my friends, smoke more weed, laugh, drink some wine, watch a bad movie, post instagram stories, get too drunk and start cussing each other out, embarrass ourselves in public, call another uber, contemplate with my forehead kissing the window, call up a situationship and see if he would like to eat me out.
It’s past 6pm and I’m falling asleep with my make up on.
I promised myself I would oil pull, put on a face mask and cook a better dinner for myself, turn off my cellphone, pray and then watch a romance movie.
Situationship flushes my toilet and lets himself out without pecking me on the lips,
we promised that we’d be more affectionate.
I give up and try again tomorrow.
00:00
Still can’t fall asleep, every resume I submit is getting rejected. Cry about my failures, realise my friend group’s secret animosity amongst each other and get mad about that, hate my body, hate my life, watch celebrity interviews and pretend I’m in the celebrity’s skin.
02:00
Still not asleep, promised myself I’d be asleep so that I can workout at 07:00am, I promised myself I’d pray — I’d try again tomorrow.
Fall asleep eventually.
It’s a workday except I still feel like shit because I didn’t work out again, didn’t make a protein shake, didn’t wash my laundry and clean my room. My attempts are in an abyss. Check my phone, scroll for just 4 tiktoks, read more twitter banters, go to the toilet, operate with one hand because my phone is in the other — flush and then realise I’m late, hurry up and do everything halfheartedly.
Rewatch motivational content, receive a screenshot of my situationship “cheating” on me, open another “we regret to inform you” email, go to the bathroom and sulk on the closed toilet seat, open tiktok, rewatch “winter arcs” and get pissed off, so pissed that I get motivated to gym, cry again in self pity, attend a half day at work, on my way back home, daydream about how I want to better as soon as I get home so I can “level” up.
Achieve all goals in intensity. Time passes, I revert back to my daily program, stuck in my ways. Develop severe depression, victimize self, make up with my old friends without apologizing, club hop, get in stranger’s cars, drink alcohol for breakfast, lunch and dinner, take more instagram pictures, fall out with my mom over text message because I haven’t been home for days, get missed calls from relatives, continue club hopping, get ditched by the strangers we hitched rides from, fight about whose fault it was, cuss each other and fight with one another, get seriously injured and wake up on my bed in my mother’s house.
That’s where I met God.
I threw up, my body gave up, cleansed itself of everything I had, cried all night, extremely hungry but not be able to eat, cry —
Cultivate all the knowledge which I’ve learnt and finally — bring them to God. Another plan, but softer.
Water Fast. Pray. Sit in Stillness.
Balance and cultivate my life anew. Begin by repenting and asking God to share her grace, repent and then wait.
Take shrooms on an empty stomach. Go to my backyard and lay on the grass.
Realise as within, so without.
Understand and be hungry enough to hear the voice of God — listen, feel the breeze rumble in my belly while my stomach shrinks twice its size. Hold my flesh accountable, feel a drift in my previous relationships. Commit to the self-care nights I was always too tired to do weeks ago, it’s a second nature at this point. Continue reading taking it one day at a time.
1. abide by structure within me → instead of goals, create a list of priorities. Not beat myself up if I didn’t do anything on a specific time, instead reprioritise. Cultivate a gentle life and a chance to self-devote and allow myself to enjoy the journey of self-improvement.
2. become more intentional about my actions. This brought me back into the present moment, to feel the ant on my thumb, remember to actually taste my food, stick my hand out to feel the tall grass on my walk in the botanical gardens, be brave enough to put my barefoot on the grass [i was always paranoid because of the viral microscope things on tiktok]. Prepare my food as though I’m preparing it to a friend of mine, prepare my baths as though I am preparing for a friend.
3. a structure within me = rebellion against capitalist timeline and defies the definition of what stability means to me. The more I under indulge in social media and instead actually read every political statement thoroughly, buy old books that don’t have “best seller” on the front. Understanding that to become undefiable is to take my own sweet time — life is not a race, and I can’t skip a day, and there is time.
4. redefine what stability means to me. Capitalism’s timeline is based on instant gratification. Stability to me means leaning into my yin feminine energy. Realise that it’s a blessing to afford basic needs, the freedom to indulge in hobbies and have the ability to book leisure vacations. Stability to me means living and not surviving, yes, it means that stability is also delayed gratification because I might not see the results today — but consistency make it a second nature and my physical vessel adapts.
5.intergrate my shadow and ego and hold them accountable. ask guidance from a higher perspective and learnt to stop following moodboards and be the moodboard. The moodboard is, there is no moodboard — No more aesthetics, no more “cores”, just enjoy and be present enough to enjoy the mundane and romanticize a lot of it.
6. utilize laptop, turn off notifications of text messages, choose a time between the week, a time devoted especially towards myself and begin to enter flow states. Flow states are a great tool — especially for creatives to dedicate time too perfecting a craft, learning a new language, watch my favourite movie that inspires me to pour out work into my creative flow, paint something, do 1 hour yoga.
The Gemini Moon in me requires structure — cultivating structure within myself means to make my vessel my own home, not an external building but myself a home.
A insomniac pill that saved me was to stop overthinking and stop being bothered. I stopped the need to try and understand what everything means, stopped reacting and being bothered by “shade” or wanting to be “glazed”.
No more winter arcs, 75 hard challenges, drop the matcha. Let’s self-devote, remain consistent, and self-love into the tomorrow.
Live life today — you don’t know if you have tomorrow.
i love the art photo at the end! what does it mean to you?
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